Can we be at ease in times of difficulty?
Last week, we explored the Coronacoaster — feeling more volatile during the Pandemic. One minute we may feel okay and the next, the world can seem like a fearful place and we feel the need to protect ourselves triggering our fight, flight or freeze response. Before we know it, we are angry with politicians and family members. It may not feel like it, but we do have a choice and that choice is whether to adopt an endurance or a resilient mindset.
When we adopt an endurance mindset, we think “I need to get through this”, we gird ourselves, suspend normal life and put things on hold. We think, “I’ve just got to put up with this lock-down for another three weeks and then things will return to normal.” We live in fear and feel numb. It is useful to ask, “When have I been adopting an endurance mindset recently?
The alternative is to adopt a resilience mindset by turning towards the difficulties and being with our more challenging emotions. When we adopt a resilience mindset, we accept that things are difficult and recognise that they are also impermanent. The notion of impermanence is that we live in a constant state of flux — change is inevitable and happens all the time. We are living through change. Whilst we tend to think of impermanence as loss, change generates new possibilities. We are starting to get a glimpse of the possibilities. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve heard clients saying:
- I am enjoying working from home and I don’t think that I want to commute on a daily basis anymore.
- I am no longer enjoying my job, in fact, I realise that I haven’t been for a while and I think that I might like to have a change of career.
- Do I really need to do all the overseas travel anymore?
On our Coronacoaster, we pendulate between holding an endurance and a resilience mindset. We may find ourselves being resilient for a while and then getting triggered by what we have lost that we are attached to. Being attached to things can trigger an endurance mindset. Think about what you were attached to pre-Covid-19? Most men that I have asked have ranked football pretty high on the list and many women, hairdressers! Then ask, “What is essential to me now?” “How have I adapted during this period?” Adaption is the key to resilience.
Another trigger for an endurance mindset is ‘not knowing’. Our brains are wired to fill in the gaps to deal with the threat of uncertainty and give us security. At the moment, we don’t know many things. When I’ve asked clients what they don’t know they have shared:
- I don’t know what will happen to my work.
- I don’t know if I will see my parents again.
- I don’t know if my money will run out.
- I don’t know if my daughter’s wedding will go ahead in the Autumn.
- I don’t know if I want my life to return to what it was.
We can grow a resilience mindset when we come up against ‘not knowing’ and avoid our normal fight, flight, freeze response, choose to go with the flow, not catastrophising or giving into being an expert to stabilise ourselves. Approaching ‘not knowing’ with curiosity increases our resilience. We need to be willing to hold the anxiety of ‘not knowing’, adopt some new positive habits and embrace small moments of joy. It is helpful to notice, “When have I lived with ease with ‘not knowing’ over the past few days and what moments of joy have I experienced?”
